


A New Heart

by weazelbeater



Series: Love and War [18]
Category: Kill la Kill
Genre: Attempt at Humor, F/F, Humorous Ending, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-09 19:16:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12282753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weazelbeater/pseuds/weazelbeater
Summary: Epilogue to 'Love and War'.Check the beginning notes before you decide to read this one...





	A New Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Hmm…right. So here’s the deal. If you read ‘Love and War’ and liked it exactly the way it turned out…you should probably skip this. However…if you appreciate silly humor and authors who scream ‘Fuck continuity! (a.k.a. Gainax endings)’, then by all means…read on.
> 
> You have been warned.

 

~Epilogue~

 

“ ** _Gyaaaah!_** ”

“ _Zzzzzzhhmm…? Whazza-_ Ryuko? _Ryuko-chan!_ Are you all right? What’s wrong, my dearest love?”

“Uhmm…oh, man. M-Mako? Oh my God, Mako, I just had the weirdest dream _ever!_ ”

“Oh, no! Was it another nightmare, sweetie? Here, let me hug all the bad stuff away!”

“ _*Urk*_ M-Mako…! N-need oxygen…! Pleathe! Can’t… _*hurk*_ …bweathe!”

“Whoopsie! I’m sorry, Ryuko-chan! You know I just can’t _stand_ the idea of you being in harm’s way! Gosh, I just want to smother you with the power of my sweet love until you feel _better!_ It’s okay, Ryuko-chan! I have you! You’re safe, here in bed with me! I won’t let the bad dreams get you! Mankanshoku Mako won’t rest until you are safe and free to sleep the most peaceful sleep of angels, my love!”

“ _*cough*_ G-got it, Mako, I got it…I’m all right now. Just ease up a little bit, gimme some space to breathe now, there we go…hoo, boy. That dream…oh, it was a real doozy. Where the hell do I even begin…?”

“Oh, my poor Ryuko. Was it the ‘ _mama bad touch_ ’ dream again?”

“Uh, no. No Ragyo this time…”

“Uhmmm-OH! Was it the ‘ _bad rabbits_ ’ dream again?”

“I…uh…no, I’ve never _had_ that one before?”

“Oh, my bad. That’s one of mine. Silly me! Let’s see now…oh, I know! It was the ‘ _planet covered in_ _life fiber threads where that little girl turns into a gun and arrests you_ ’ dream!”

“What the--no! Are you out of your damned _mind_ , Mako? Will ya just gimme a minute and let me gather my thoughts so I can just _tell_ you about it myself?”

“Oh! That was going to be my very _next_ guess!”

“A’right, settle down. _*ahem*_ Yeah…so, it was super weird? Uh, so…there I was: living with Satsuki in her big ol’ mansion, right? And there was lots of weird fighting and scientific experiments and music concerts and shootouts and life fiber monsters and stuff, and I also somehow became really rich by selling my body! Uh, wait. Hold on, lemme rephrase that last part: I was selling my internal life fibers as samples for scientific research…I was _not_ a freakin’ call girl! Oh, and during all that I…I was…um…I somehow kinda ended up being married…to…her?”

“…holy crap, really? _*Gasp*_ You mean…to _Satsuki_? Gee, well you know, Ryuko-chan…she _is_ super pretty! But Ryuko! She’s your sister?! You can’t _do_ that!”

“I know that, Mako! It was a _dream!_ Geez, ain’t ya been listenin’ to what I just said? It was really, really strange, all right? I can’t be held responsible for having a dream like that! Gawd! Just think: me, sexing up my stuffy, grumpy, stick-in-the-mud sister? _Hell_ to the _no_! That is _every_ kind of wrong! Ugh!”

“Oh wow, that’s _so_ weird. Good thing it was only a dream! So…was Satsuki really hot in the sack or what?”

“Ew! Mako! Hello? She’s my _sister!_ Don’t say stuff like that, you little pervert!”

“Aw, I’m sorry, Ryuko! I didn’t mean it like that! I was just curious. Besides, I like my girls all fiery and silly and heroic! Satsuki is way too serious and not at _all_ silly! Not that she isn’t heroic, because of course _that_ ended up being true eventually! But you’re more my type! Even though she _is_ a super pretty lady…with really big boobs!”

“Oh. _My._ **_God._** Stop talking about her like that! Ya know, Nonon would freakin’ murder you if she heard you creeping on her girlfriend with those kind of words! She gets, like, _super_ jealous of anyone who threatens their relationship! Don’t you  ever let her hear you saying that kinda crap about Satsuki-sama, or she’ll totally kick your ass!”

“No she wouldn’t! Nonon is kinda nice, once you get past the intense torrents of verbal abuse and get to really know her! Besides, I’m only kidding! I couldn’t _possibly_ think about going after Satsuki-sama when I have you, the hero of my very own heart! You’re  my Ryuko-chan, and that’s just the way it is! You know what? Nonon can keep her second-place Kiryuin family trophy! _You’re_ my number one lady, and I only love _you_ like that!”

“Yeah, I…I know. I love you, too.”

“That’s right! You and me, forever! Yeah!”

“Yeah!”

“So…are you feeling all right now? After that terrible dream?”

“Yeah, I guess I’m okay. I mean it was so damned weird, but it felt so real! It really sucked when my life fibers ended up taking over my mind, and I almost killed everyone I ever loved! That’s like my biggest nightmare, right there. But Satsuki saved me from all that somehow…repeatedly…”

“Well, come on, Ryuko. She’s _always_ been there to save your butt when it really comes down to it!”

“True, true. She is a pretty awesome sister, even if she does have a really hard time loosening up around people. But the other weird thing I remember is that we had a kid together, too.”

“Um…Ryuko? I really hate to tell you this, but ladies’ plumbing doesn’t _work_ that way, silly! You see, when two girls really, really love each other, even if they have wild, squishy sex really, _really_ hard, they  still can’t make a--“

“ _I KNOW THAT, YOU DORK!_ It was through adoption, okay? Jeez! You know, I wasn’t the one who slept all through their sex education classes, all right?”

“Okay, okay! I was just checking to be sure, that’s all! So then…what _was_ your dream kid like, Ryuko?”

“Well, she was the sweetest little girl. She was this hyper and excitable blonde, with her hair all done up in pigtails, and she just ran around and played all the time, like she was made of pure energy--“

“Wh- _whaaaa-aaat?_ You adopted  Harime Nui as your _daughter_? Ryuko-chan! I hate to break it to you, but that was an official straight-up  nightmare! And as an almost real doctor’s daughter, I have a responsibility to take charge of this situation and treat you immediately for your psychic trauma! I’m prescribing some hot cocoa to calm you down, stat! Come on, to the kitchen! This is a medical emergency!”

“B-but, it wasn’t like that? I mean, I…it was different, she wasn’t like Nui at--"

“Come on, Ryuko-chan! I’ll treat you right and make sure the nasty, horrible nightmare doesn’t confuse you anymore!”

“But it _wasn’t_ a nightmare, Mako! It was just a really weird dream, that’s all! Gosh, it was so detailed, it felt  so real…f’r instance, there was this awesome concert that we all went to, and you ate all this strange food while Nonon conducted the show? I even got to play guitar on stage for it! Then I got shot by some evil assassin guy and almost _died_ , but then I got better! Ya see, I was in a coma, but Satsuki nursed me back to health! _Omigod_ , and _then_ I turned into an evil vampire thing because of my damned life fibers, but then Satsuki got her _own_ life fibers activated and became this super fiber demon as well, only hers were _blue!_ So then we fought these terrible, bloody battles and _then_ I tried to kill myself to save the whole world! But Satsuki managed to save me _again_ , and later on we ended up fighting in some underground laboratory, and there was this terrible explosion? But we ended up being cured and went back to normal…after we spent a lot more time in the hospital, of course!”

“Uh-huh. Look, I’m gonna start slapping your face back and forth really fast, okay? It’s for your own good, Ryuko-chan.”

“Ow! Hey! Cut that out! Grr… _quit it!_ Now where was I…? Oh yeah, and then we sorta got married…well, kinda, but not really…and it was after _that_ when we adopted a child together! And she  wasn’t Harime Nui, either! Although Sats _did_ sorta think that once, when the pigtails officially became a thing? Oh, but that was just her seeing things…like a flashback or whatever? Anyways, it worked itself out. Sats is a good mom. But I tell the best bedtime stories, though!”   

“Ryuko-chan…?”

“Yeah, Mako?”

“That settles it. No more American food before you go to bed.”

“…but--”

“ ** _Bed_** , Ryuko-chan! Now! That is an order!”

“ _…aw._ ”

 

 

**- _Fin (again!)_ -**

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Content notes:
> 
> See, I warned you not to read this. 
> 
> Title and concept refers to the TV show ‘Newhart’, which had the most fucked up series finale ever (main character wakes up in bed with the wife from his previous ‘Bob Newhart Show’: the entire Newhart show ended up being a weird dream he had!):  
> http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Series/Newhart


End file.
